The C in D.C: Is It Already TIme To Play House?

Something is happening and I can't quite explain it, though it has been verbally imbedded

in me by a few in a myriad of ways. I, however, am caught perplexed. 

Theres been some sort of cosmic shift in hormones, or life goals, or pressures from a nonexistent clock ticking and tocking on so many of those around me. Maybe I'm just not paying attention?

As I morph more and more into this 'adult' phase of my life, like a baby Transformer into my pseudo Onyx-esque self, I can't help but notice the women around me are transitioning into their own as well. Well, there own, plus room for 3 or 4 others.

Oh boy, or girrllllll.

What I am talking about is my girlfriends and aptly informative female acquaintances proactively discussing having children, seeking out men and getting married and yes, settling down. In the next 5 years. 

Did someone hear a grandfather clock strike twelve or something?

I should clarify. I am not shocked or even remotely surprised that my friends and I aspire to have families. Of course we do. I am surrounded by beautiful, ambitious and determined women who want the world and the plate that it's served on - why wouldn't they add a blessing like family to that roster?

What does cause a slight raise in my tweaked and threaded brows is the self-imposed timeline they ideally see this happening in. '5 years' they all unanimously tout as if it isn't only 5 years away from now. 

Least I remind you that at a mere twenty-four years old, I am the oldest of my immediate D.C friends.  About half of us are en route toward our Bachelor's; the other half has been out of the collegiate rigamaru for only a year or so. 

And seemingly persuasive argument after argument I always ask: Why the rush? Why the countdown to what will ultimately be your life - for the rest of your life - when you decide to take either leap into marriage and babyhood. 

Without fail they all cite this make believe ticking clock. One that must have been the exact same clock on Cinderellas' ass because apparently they too will turn into hags -only this time dressed in nothing but their youthful age and successful careers, albeit sans babies and mundane husbands. 

The difference, I would dare to say, between them & I in this race to the beginning of our youthful end is that I come from a Forever 21 mother. Or should I say she was 19. I've been the kid who grew up with her 'kid' parent - learning from each other and trekking through life and its hurdles together. I come from a twice broken home, without a reliable other half to help take on the burden that becomes the once blessid parenthood once you have to do it alone. Im also the oldest of my other siblings. So when my girlfriends are cooing and awing over babies because they were their families baby, I gingerly remember changing so many diapers I dubbed myself an expert; getting feeding and burping down to an unscientific science and making the exact right face that no child under the age of 4 can resist. After 4, eh it's hit or miss. 

Don't get me wrong - I adore children. But all in due time. My great-grandmother had children well into her forty's and without hesitation of her age or health. I am not mistaken about any out-of-change-meter on my ovaries. 

I suppose what I am getting at is that while my girlfriends may have fantasies of playing house, raising babies all amidst building entrepreneurial empires 'because thats what my mom did', I feel a somewhat self-perpetuated guilt to live out my 20's to the fullest. Travel the world for my mom because she still can't. Obtain this in-progress degree because no one before me has and I know I can. Make the mistakes I am bound to walk into without a slew of repercussions and mini-me's at my feet wondering when and where their life is going next. I believe everything in life is about timing.

Right now I can't even tell me where these two feet, this V8 drive and my restless relentlessness will take me. But for now, without judgement onto those who differ, I'll be doing it without a babysitter. 

The C in D.C: See no AIDS, Hear no AIDS, Speak no AIDS

In the District, I am incredibly outnumbered. Gratefully so, but the facts still daunt me. PSA's sprawled across the city consistently remind me of the stats and in fact, it's overwhelming: 25,000 to 1 in my case. Daily, those odds are growing. In a niche of approximately 600,000 and counting, 25,000 is a number to reckon with. So as a one amongst a many, I'd like to share what I have dubbed my real world awakening.
DC is the countries top metropolitan affected by the ongoing HIV/AIDS epidemic. Yes.

Epidemic.

Though it is our nations Capitol, many don't realize the facades of the District that make it so dynamic and equally so, dichotomic. While the prestige of the White House and the Supreme Court gleam in the background, the forefront of urban DC looms with drugs, disease and hidden alternative lifestyles. The homeless and displaced are rampant; a cough suddenly feels like the bubonic plague reincarnated and panhandlers make more than the employed. The culture of DC, likewise, is extreme: the yuppies and the hoodrats; the politicians and the change-the-worlds; the educated and the blissfully ignorant; Blacks and whites. And the men you see as one sexual orientation during the day, may easily affiliate with another at night. With this, comes the unusual acceptance yet denial (if that makes any sense) of the homosexual population. People know they are here - in fact, 'they' are a decent amount of Washingtonians - yet for some, 'their' own orientation is never to be put on display.

This is especially apparent in the Black community, where the trend of secret alternative lifestyles is controversially accredited for the lack open awareness and testing regarding the topic. Dubbed as being on the down low, or DL, Black men not readily accepting or honest about their lifestyles is not a new phenomenon either here or in other Black meccas like Atlanta. Men on the 'DL' see themselves as heterosexual men, often having families, wife's and straight friends and affiliations. They do not identify with being gay because of the feminine stigma that can accompany that orientation, as well as the flamboyancy and obvious activity. Within the Black culture, a feminine man is seen as a weakness. However, in actuality, these men are gay, if at the very least bisexual and neglect to honestly inform their partners - men and women - of their true lifestyle.

People often passingly snark about the indecisive lifestyles of these men and their inevitable contribution to the problem. Older women warn the younger girls on the supposed signs of a "suspect" man, calling his secretive dabble into both homo & hetero lifestyles "rachett" and "tacky". I have actually been told to look at a man's wrist; if it's strong and assertive he is straight, but if it's weak and dangles, he's obviously gay. The science behind determining who's who is a potent mix of fear, ignorance and stereotyping, but it is nonetheless shared as though it is a prized secret to saving yourself. Are gay men the reason HIV/AIDS is growing within the Black community. No. A factor? Likely. 7% of Black men in DC are infected with HIV. Then again, the lack of communication between partners, the naive assumptions about people and their status, and the avoidance of regular testing are also prime culprits. Regardless, the trend is becoming very apparent in the ever increasing HIV/AIDS cases, with over 45% of new HIV diagnosis in 2009 given to Black Americans. In D.C, often deemed the Capital of AIDS, statistics place the small city at higher rates than those of West Africa - 3% of the total population, with no signs of slowing.

 In an effort to make the masses more aware of their sexual M.O, the government and private institutions alike have turned to PSA's. At any given moment, one can walk into the metro, onto the bus, pass signs on the street, see TV or hear radio ads clamoring to alert the masses: wrap it up. Get tested. Be safe. Tell your partner. The language is gentle but the message is urgent - some ads even prescribe a twice a year regimen of testing "in the sun and in the snow". With a ratio of 3 out of 10 condom users in what we call a first world or industrialized country, that is far below enough. A friend recently confided in me that she herself was unsure of her standing among the have it's and have nots due to a roaming husband and a shaky marriage. As her support system, and an ode to adapting to my new surroundings of urban living and a testament to my own soap box advice, she and I got tested for HIV/AIDS.

Like most campuses, Howard University has a health care center. Fortunate for us, the health care provided fitted the epidemic it sought to contain - they provided instant HIV testing and results within 15 minutes, sexual health counseling and an abundance of contraceptive freebies. All free. In fact, in the District of Columbia, HIV testing is almost always free with clinics gracing every other street in many neighborhoods. If diagnosed, HIV/AIDS medication is free to any and all who need it. Luckily, my friend and I simply walked away with a bag full of condoms and a renewed sense of sexual responsibility.

Wrap it up. Know your partner. Get tested. It's you against an epidemic - need I say much more...?

. 

Column: The Black Burden

While watching my nightly indulgence of lighthearted sitcoms on a well-known black network, I was shocked to find myself bombarded with numerous airings of a ridiculous and racist commercial that I couldn’t believe was actually airing; on this station, countless times. It began with your typical surge of public opinion after the narrator asks, “ What is the #1 cause of death of African Americans?” People naturally stated the obvious leaders - HIV/AIDS, gang relations, murder, cancer, and others causes sharing the similar fatal outcome. I, along with those featured, were curious to find out this mystery answer, thinking 'Im black, the people on the ad are black, this is a black network – how educational and opportune of them to inform their viewers of this assumed ‘killer’ on the loose and how I can now be aware and possibly avoid it', right? If only it were that simple.
This “cause of death” – as inaccurately phrased in my opinion – was revealed to be abortions. In fact, they state that black abortions, or abortions performed on black women, make up 35% of all abortions and because of such, has reduced the black population by over 25% since 1973. Bluntly put, “a black baby” – ‘baby’ being an emotional word since no abortion is ever performed on an existing baby – “is three times more likely to be aborted than a white baby”. I will be the first to say that this news is overwhelming. It saddens me, as the double-minority black female they are targeting to hear such facts. It is truly a problematic situation of despair and an extreme lack of preparation or planning that even allows for disheartening statistics like these. And while I have all the sympathy in the world for women, of any color, who have come to this life-altering decision and feel the need to go through with an abortion, I in no way excuse or appreciate this propagandized commercial.
Fueled by blackdignity.com, the ad directly reflects abortion within the black community as not having pride or dignity for our race, and irresponsibly ‘causing’ a sort of genocide within ourselves. The commercial proceeds to show the stunned faces of young black people, like myself and the rest of their targeted fertile and youthful audience watching, hearing the reality that because of abortions, the black community is diminishing, all while loosing our distinction and character. Translation? Having an abortion is wrong. Why? Not wrong because God says so, or because it’s a huge decision that no one should really have to make, not even because of the possible health and emotional trauma one may have. No, its wrong because it’s causing black deaths of a collection of cells that scientifically and biologically, have yet to form anything, let alone an actual child. Moreover, a black child. But I digress…
I feel the strongest point this commercial - fear tactic - lacks in its entire thirty-two seconds of airtime is that truly, in reality, a lack of education to young people, especially women, along with a culture built around glamourous and unsafe sex is the root in this swell of terminations. Often people illustrate the term abortion with literally killing a child and that is far from the case. Abortion, by definition, is a procedure to end pregnancy, yes, but at a safe and humane stage of cell mutation when a fertilized egg is still an embryo. As well, people don’t end pregnancies for no reason, regardless of race and ethnicity; 100% of the time the situation, whatever it may be, is not conducive to bringing a child into the world. Supporting it, loving it and nourishing a soul both financially and emotionally, as society demands are not within capacity for so many people. Reluctantly, one cant hash over the state of abortions now, without reeling where abortions have been. Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, it is hard to deny the menacing history self-imposed misbirths have been for women, let alone black women, and the humane progress that has been made. We have come from literally poisoning ourselves in hopes of ridding an unwanted fetus, to physically using rusted wire coat hangers to end a shameful pregnancy. Yet in 2011, there is still the humiliation and an unspoken social shun of terminating a pregnancy and because of such, women turn to disastrous methods- including back- alley abortions. All of this is reality, but you didn't see any of this the half-minute guilt trip. Instead, the commercial continued the cycle of disgrace that comes along with abortions and the decision to have one, instead of providing a resource for real dignity, real pride, real self-respect: education. Education is the key to ‘save’ the black culture from its supposed genocide due to abortions. Informing young people about the risks and reprocutions of sex - even if some think its a dead horse issue. With a 3:1 ratio of black abortion, the topic is far from over-discussed. Still no one is doing so – condoms are seen as accessories not necessities, birth control is expensive and not readily available. Ironically, the culture trying to be saved is the same culture that praises rims over responsibility, hood rich instead of soundly wealthy; dough boys instead of doctorates and diplomas. Our deficit in education is the true culprit for the 35% of women who feel they have no choice, know no better, and are forced to stand in the statistical line of women who are branded as being guilty of not only aborted 'babies', but hopes and dreams. That, Im sorry to say, is the true black indignity.

Just a little thought...

I don't make this up.

Desmond Hatchett, a man from Tennessee, has been hauled to court this week to face his 11 baby mommas.

And his 21 children.
At the ripe age of, oh, 29 years old, he has been able to on average, produce 4 children a year with these delusional women who for the most part knew of his other 'baby momma drama' and claimed they just "deal with it"? While he is employed, he works a minimum wage job. Since the State of TN can only force him to pay 50% of his gross wages, each mother typically makes out with barely a fraction of the actual costs of raising a child.
Or 2 or 3 or 4 of his children.
Its ok though; "usually when I ask he gives it to me" states one of the mothers when discussing how she makes do with so little, or sometimes no support at all. Whew!

Desmond claims he knows all the names and ages and birthdays of his large family that "just happened" and is avid that he will not be having any more children.

Although I am shocked, disgusted, and threw up a little in my mouth, I am not surprised by this. Ok I was a little, then the idea settled and now I think, 'Eh, typical'. I too come from an unplanned blessing and have discovered that this reality is not so uncommon. Nor are men who viciously and deliberately continue to have unprotected 'relations' with countless women. They create beautiful little beings only to (surprise!) realize that they neither afford financially or emotionally or mentally to care for them. Cue the classless epidemic of single motherhood. Cue the welfare lines and the children who will grow up asking "where's daddy?".

Don't get me wrong; I do not only blame him. Yes he is a sad excuse for a man and yes, society will continue to simply slap him on his wrist for the lifetime of damage to his children's self-worth, psyche and financial stability. Still, these women were no Mary's. How idiotic, ignorant and daft of these females to have SO many children with a man who can not provide? A man who is so busy just procreating that I find it hard to believe they ever saw him past ejaculation and his exit out the front door.

Did I mention he has a criminal history that spans 14 pages? So I stand corrected ­ he had to squeeze in jail time too in-between all his babies.While I personally have no children, I cant help but to feel that it is in our female survival instincts to want to procreate with a man who is dreamy,and fun and appears to be great man, thus a great father. Oh yes, and have a decent job, a fabulous skill or useful hobby. Something they can bring to the table (or bedroom) besides endless supplies of sperm. Apparently I am asking too much. It says a lot about the self esteem of these women, and Desmond for that matter, that they continually brought these children into the world without a clue as to how or with what ­ they planned to raise these kids. With such a blatant audacity as to state that since Desmond is incapable of 'providing' for his offspring, the state of TN should, how do you say, pick up the slack? For supporting 21 children through adulthood? Suppose they want to pursue college?

What does that say about our society that men find it manly and 'dominate' to have elaborate amounts of unprotected sex and nut up (no pun intended) when the obvious occurs? And how low have our feminine ideals become when we 'just deal' with a man who is no good, has nothing to offer in terms of love or commitment, and allow him to have children with us and 10 other women down the road? Unfortunately, the real losers in this situation are the children who will go without ballerina lessons or that field trip to the museum or a new pair of shoes when the old ones become worn because sufficient planning for their survival never occurred. They will become disadvantaged, beyond financially,when only mom is there to tame their curiosity or to teach them right from wrong, and how to be a good man and a respectable woman. They will learn the harsh realities of poverty and 'going without' and thinking they don't deserve the best ­ simply because they cant afford it. They will perpetually ask "Where's daddy" and the unspoken truth that dad, and mom, made some bad choices and will be forced to leave that answer to cycle in the circle that has been continued with single parented children.