Column: Self-Serving Our Way to Becoming Disposable

In an effort to steadily keep up with the leaps and bounds made by 'The Jones', I found myself buying yet another, even smarter, smart phone. Im already behind on the IPad, still dont narrate a Twitter and downloading songs circa 1997 is my new joy and hobby. The least I could do for my tech-cred is to keep a decent phone. It has all the 'necessities' that come standard with todays smarty pants cells, and then some. In fact, the truth is: its smarter than me. This isn't a new revelation, nor a solo one Im sure; but one I am ready to now say and assert out loud. It thinks, predicts and supplies me with information from an endless app mall that could rival any library - all in the palm of my hand. Except when it pauses, hesitates...slows down for any reason, I spaz like Ive lost my best friend. Such is the case today. Instead of eating at lunch, I headed straight for the ATT store and puppy-eyed them as soon I as walked in the door - 's.o.s, my phone isn't thinking for me'.

EXCEPT - i wasn't met with a person or any form of a real live human being. When they realized my service was cut off for being a DAY late with my bill (that I hadn't known was due - hello, I just got the phone), immediately I was directed to the holy Kiosk - a huge burden of a machine in the middle of the sales floor and the ultimate would-be demise of half the employment in the store. To get help doing almost anything -paying said late bill, checking coverage, getting tech help or adding a line - the Kiosk was my go-to right man. Er, well right Kiosk. In fact, one of the overly paid and unnecessarily employed employes told me that to get actual help it would cost me $5 per transaction. So all in all, Im paying you to do your job....that your already being paid for? Nonsense. However, this is not the only place that is doing this.

For years, self-serve stations, kiosks and registers have poped up everywhere from the grocery store to post offices to international airports, all with the higher goal of efficiency in mind. YOu and I use them regularly and without apprehension; corporations swear customers appreciate the productive and timely service, and employees are free to handle other concerns. But at what cost? While it may not always be a nominal charge, using self-serve help comes at a different price. Lack of catered assistance, personal interaction and continually relying on technology to assist us in the most basic of needs - literally, in need - is a problem to be thought about. As well, the need to consider actual people and their contingent employment based on the usage of these self-service stations versus the employee; lets face it, its cheaper to buy a few machines then to maintain a salaried employee. I for one appreciate the occasional convenience - but it far too often come with mass-tailored questions, roundabout waiting and, my personal pet peeve, entering in your information several times. In such a case, as is the norm far too often, I will take the overly-bubbly far too talkative girl behind the counter who may be a smidgen less efficient than a kiosk, but whom I can engage i a personal interaction with, whilst meandering for the help I need.

Just dont have me pay her $5 extra bucks - thanks.

I Think

I think...
I think I may have found it, but I don't want to say.
Like a child in play, Im afraid it may be sought after, snatched up, or worse, taken away.
This discovery is made from life's beautiful things...its bliss enrapturing and Im caught in its spellbinding ring. The result leaves me breathlessly smiling.
Time waits for no one and this finding has impeccable timing.

Im ready for something incredible.

I think...
I think he may be right on time. Appearing when there was nothing but lost hopes, sighs and cries. A tackled heart crushed by a crush gone awry...
A doubled-over party hangover from which some life didnt survive.
Yet Ive found he - he, I - here like a silver lining not to save me, but to be by my side and help me shine.

Cautious whispers that say I may [not] find something better one day are uninteresting; Im happy today - who has time to worry what tomorrow may bring?
Complexity rearing its head making its way into my happiness...
After other attempted couplings, you would think this girl would look at past stings and say - don't rush things. Ah,
But don't all great fools rush in? This thing I have found may begin to tinge with the 'what if' its festering in should I not enjoy it, and fully delve in - I don't want to miss what so innocently began as...Hi.

The difference in what I have now from my past demise is profound. Call me jaded but I started to think men like this simply weren't around - maybe I got the last one? Im not looking for anymore to be found. One's all I need.
I think...
I think...
I know I havent known this feeling of adoration in a long time.
I just hope you'll stay awhile.

Limitless

Life is blazing and Im where I want to be
The heavens are bestowing upon me all my dreams
Here I float, purely on excitment and endless possibility
Slow down world - your making me high
Am I really ready for a topless sky?
Without boundaries and limits and plenty of room to fly
...I don't ever travel below the radar so naturally its only among the stars that I shine.
Previously enraptured by self-doubt but now with confidence in surplus supply
I zoom about the Galaxy of the Best with a rocket befitting one of this quest; just I.
Surprise -
That twinkle in your eye that you saw when you looked at me
wasn't a coincidence or serendipity but rather realization that my destiny
is manifested since day one of time: Greatness...who am I not to comply?

In this moment at this time the world is mine.

A universe of 'I can do anything' simply give me time - to grow and work out the details. Prepping for 'what if ' does not equate 'I may fail'.
Continue to breath in hope and opportunity
And produce results amid progress as I exhale
Walk with intention and stomp with determination...they will always hear me coming. Dont say I didnt warn thee
Live like there is no tomorrow
My now is in this moment and benefiting from the cosmos - lucky me -
see fit to keep me winning
Consider my dreams completly within my grasp and like Fabo... just throw 'em in the bag.

The Future Belongs to Those Who Believe in the Beauty Of Their Dreams...

Mama May Have

God bless the child thats got its own...
Running a comb through my hair
I look up and she is solo there
Just my mother, with her longing look and her blank stare
Out the window to where life is moving and shes stuck, feeling trapped in here.
See Ive always known
Her heart loves me so but her head is elsewhere. She deserves to be she,
but shes always mommy to me, daddy too to unrelenting degree -
herself secondary and in return, I am allowed to be free.
Unhinged to the swinging door of single breeding. The cycle is vicious -
Ive learned from her disposition.
Bills on the brain, with{out} a way to maintain - shes solo, you know so
The world is on her shoulders yet shes always trying to keep in the game...
Life is playing {un}fair, but whos to referee?
Papa may have.... his freedom, but he never sees me
Has no idea where I be - lost or alive, {un}loved or treated kind. Hes fucked and out of luck;
his trivial influence to undermine. Im a product completely of her design. Independent.
This cycle of circles, intertwined between haste, exhausting my mother
but for me she has always stayed.
Blessed for me that shes got her own - and from her I have my own.
A women with no silver spoon but here I am, the silver lining.
Everything that she is, I am , and I have it all.
Sometimes, I just have to remember, mama may have
but from her, I have it all.

Column: Im not waiting for Mr. Right- more like Mr. Realistic

Back in 2009, being single was a mandatory breath of fresh air. I had recently broken up with (or he broke up with me – depending on who you ask) my live-in boyfriend of a year and a half. The same boyfriend whom, at the time, I lucidly saw myself marrying, baby mama-ing and complacently spending the rest of our amazing days together. However I was on the verge of 21, he already encroaching 26, and for one reason or another, the clear picture of my domestic future got beer-goggles once I stepped into the ‘adult’ world of legality. Everything was so exciting and social…we all know how fun life can be once laced with the hypnotic allures of alcohol and freedom. Read: I liked to go out, he liked me home; we broke up.

Since that wonderful learning experience, I have dated/encountered an interesting myriad of boys, men and assholes alike to come to a very real and sound conclusion – there is NO Mr. Right. Perhaps several Mr. Right-nows, Mr. Right-ons, certainly a dash of Mr. He-can-get-me-Right and yes, a fair share of Mr. Wrong’s; but alas, no for sure Mr. Right. Why is that? Simply put, no one is perfect, No one man, woman, anyone will be your ‘everything’, all the time, forever. To be frank, Im not sure if I would want a man like that – seems too good to be true and that’s because it is.
What I have come to realize, however, is that there are Mr. Realistic: men who are not perfect, but encompass several (if not many) traits, qualities or preferences you may like, and more importantly, can deal with dating. And while I am still young, occasionally reaching for those rose-colored beer-goggles to make what isn’t realistic at least convenient and suited for the moment, I can say that what I wish for versus what I cant live without in a person are becoming clearer than they have ever been.

A guy who has the basics

· Like your favorite recipe for chocolate chip cookies, or your moms amazing and irresistible lasagna, a good man like a good meal needs the basics. I call them basics because really, this is where it should all start. While every woman is different, my basics are pretty standard and non-negotiationable: respectful, honest, a sense of personal morals and justice, kind, humble, friendly, and able to be around others without turning into someone else. The last one may not seem so basic, but it has become a necessary staple to have with men I even care to get to know past, “Hi may name is”. Don’t be an asshole, a douche, a womanizing man whore or a liar who can’t even remember his own real name. I will call you out, leave you for ‘dumped’ and never ever look back.

A guy whos both fun, responsible, silly, intense, outgoing but shy…

· Im admittedly full of contradictions and to some degree, I feel a lot of people are as well. Whether they are as readily to admit it as I am is an entirely other story. Regardless, I want someone who doesn’t necessarily ‘fit’ into a type; your not this and your not that. I consider myself boundless – Mr. Realitstic should be too.

A guy who makes me laugh and can laugh with me

· This is a combo request: I thoroughly love to laugh and find so many things either hysterically funny or tragically amusing. Either way there is laughter. I don’t need you to make a production or stand-up routine out of everything, but having an innate sense of humor is key. I like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t take things too seriously, especially when dating someone, and needs a like-minded mate to be on that same page with me. Really, it’s a wonderful page to be on.

A guy who wants to teach me

· As an undercover(s) nerd, I enjoy learning about anything and everything. Im no child prodigy, but I find new facts, information and ideas tantalizing and dare I say it, mad sexy. Teach me something new…Im intrigued. Introduce me to your passion…Im interested. Include me in some of your favorite diversions…Im yours.

A guy who has goals to execute

· This is a bit of a biggie. While I don’t expect you to rule the free world a la Obama, be the next Jay-Zoutselling Madison Square Garden, or even create what would become the ‘computer’ like Bill Gates, I do need you to have a dream. And not only a dream, but a means and plan on how to capture that dream and make it reality. Whether you want to help make the world a greener place (pun possibly intended) or simply be a tycoon, just do it. I, like so many other women, admire the steadfast nature so many men have, but so many men tend to let slip in between their grinding fingers. Women want to help you be the best and most prosperous you; let us. Just promise you’ll be more than a lost dreamer…

A guy who lets me be me…

· When in a relationship, I am the epitome of ‘girlfriend’. Im all about ‘us’ and what ‘we’ can do/see/eat/go/try together. Its in my female nature to want to dote on someone else, and when in a relationship, that someone becomes him. Yet, even in that picturesque mode, it is in my human nature to need to simply be me sometimes. Do things solo, make mistakes despite your warned attempts, engage in new friendships beyond ‘us’ and continually learn about me. Mr. Realistic would be understanding of this need; not feeling ignored or unloved, just realizing this is a ‘Christine’ thing. Equally, he would need time for him and I would insist on it. Its all about space and boundaries.

A guy who has a similar 5, 10, 15 year plans as I do

· I say, “as I do” in jest, since Im not exactly referencing true plans to say “I do”. Beyond simply getting married one day, and yes, settling down one day, I am more so inclined to talk about the events in-between the seminal ones: where we see ourselves living, perhaps traveling, a job, skill, or trade you may be inclined to explore. All the things people end up doing, but may not be aware of the want to do so. In getting to know more about me, I have become aware of the nomadic path I see my future taking and I am very comfortable with having several address, seeing the world from the back of a bus, plane, or train and all the while writing about life, love and this sought after pursuit of happiness. My Mr. Realistic should probably have some of these fantasies as well. Marriage, babies, and picket fences will be par for the course…the latter end of the course.

These things will change, evolve, and improve as will I. But for now, Mr. Realistic...heres what's required.

Vice

If you listen closely, you can hear them. Trying. Seeping through my walls, under my door, in between my window panes...crawling into my world from right beyond the next.

Them - these - infinite cravings entice me, moaning in the night well into day; well into a deep and desperate unrest. The yearns lull me at times - a habitual lullaby - its rhythmic beating, persistent against so many morals and ethics; despite so many attempts to extinguish its whispers. It cries louder and louder, hungered by the tasty tidbits of the city:
Lights, camera, action....enter, addiction. Onto stage left. Creeping to center stage. Cue the junkies. Them - they - want to be my new friend.

Keep on. Cant you tell its from a place so near...
glamorous ideas of grandeur: pop me, snort me, smoke me, invite me via vein if it means I'm yours. The taunting is never lost and all too readily found, invading my space and calling my name. It knows me by name, by face and try as I may, my head leans toward the the lures at times.
Here, here, I can supply your curiosity's whims if you'd only let me in...
The nights are lonely and any company is sometimes welcome. Even if it may become a monkey on my back.

Nights darkness can cover the illicit affairs. Secret procedures and hazed recoveries. Enjoy and repeat Im told. Sounds like so many played out movies. Like so many played out stars. But its night and any and every star can shine brightly if exposed to the right concoctions. Including me. What once swallowed me into sleep with its breathy temptations now keeps me awake thinking and hints at the endless bounty awaiting me - should I just let them in. Crawling from the world right beyond the next, should I just let them in.

Only hours before the sun kissed dawn and Im alone left to wonder. How bright do I want to shine... Should I just let them in?