S.O.S: In the midst of a bad decision; Pt 1?

60-day 'he-tox' my ass!

I made it 2 weeks and, sigh; I gave in like an old IKEA futon at a frathouse.

To my credit, it was not a blatant giving in .­ I didn't do what I did with the intention of doing it. Ugh, here I go, beating around the bush and trying, even with Internet strangers, to rationalize my naughty behavior.

I called/text/visited my ex.
Yes ­ all three cardinal sins at once; I'm just asking for a heart attack,right!?

Here's how it went down: Legitimately, I had to go to my old town to pick upa school assignment a nice classmate offered to proof read. And, I threatened myself with no food for a week if I also didn't go to a gym before heading home. Equally legit, days after moving, I realized I had actually left a few things in the old apartment that I would need to go back for and soon; one of the things I left was luggage I would need for an up-coming Vegas trip. So here I am, in-between the gym and my old co-op dream apartment; like a moth to a flame my wheels turned toward the latter. Without a pre-emptive call or text or evencourtesy smoke signals I just drove up.

Seeing his shiny black car with it's signiture plate must have shocked me into reality that oh shit he's really home. I don't know what I was expecting if he wasn't? Perhaps just to linger and reminisce a bit...Anyway he was home, so assumingly typical of all ex-girlfriends-who-accidentally-become-stalkers, I panicked a bit. As I backed my car out of any view of the apartment, I wondered if I should call,or what to say if I did, or if he would answer.

I called; no answer.
Sigh I text; "Hey. I would like to know if I could come to the apt to get somethings I left please." Simple. To the point. Right? Right. Hold back any evidence of a partial break down that was on the brink of occurring.
He replied: "No, I will be home tomorrow."Hmm. His car was here so...oh no! Days of reading over analyzed man-blogs from magazines were catching up with me. What does that mean? He¹s here now?! I could feel dramatic anxiety building up and I quickly hated myself for even doing this.
I text back: I am close by, are you unavailable?" Survey says: "No I am unavailable." Looking back I concluded that there are a few possible reasons he could claim unavailability.
1. He has been chilling around the house and sans a shower, did not want to see me post-break up and smelly. Of course I did...
2. He had guests (*insert a silent prayer that it was not a female*) and having me over, especially with friends who knew of 'us' would be beyond awkward. Especially unannounced.
3. He really was unavailable: getting ready for work, or had prior plans.
Although, simply picking up a few things would take mere moments.

As I descended into reality, all my thumbs could fumble was "Ok thank you."

Like all crazy freaks of nature, I am still wondering what made me do this.Why would I subject myself to the anguish, anxiety and anticipation of whatis bound to be a blow to the uphill battle of getting over him? Why, when I know that, love him or not, I should have kept my distance and simply asked him to place in at the front door? Unattached to 'our' old home, 'our' old memories and most dangerously, to him?
Why? Because Im a girl in love and like most things that are pure acts of chance and destiny, I cant explain my actions.

Im just still in love.