Yesterday I had a test...

Yesterday I had a test.
A test of faith, resilliance, and struggle;a test of will,if you will, to keep going. To keep believeing in myself against the doubt of others and my own deepest fears. He gave me a lesson in not succeding, a swift pop quiz in life's aches when your not acheiving. Dissapointment so raw and so real, I have to keep maintaining and breathing. And keep steady - 'this is a test Christine, are you ready?'. To hear 'no' when it sounds like a million doors closing over and over and over again. No (slam) we simply can't let you in. No (slam) we cant let you in. Slam,slam...no matter what I cant win.
But that was yesterday, so felt is more appropriate I should say. The lesson I learned spoke of the past and the difference between tomorrow. Let those past feelings die and not shape tomorrow's unknown. Trying hard to remember today is a blessed struggle, one that I should welcome with open arms and an open mind. But I cant accept today while always looking behind. Cant accept my future if these tests I do not pass; if I truly dont learn from them and make that lesson last. For life. God gives me these tests to help guide my way and guide my star...he means no harm. I would be the same 'ole same 'ole if my everyday went unchanged. He knows best that I cant wait to be better and his tests help to stregthen my endevor. And prepare me for a future so bright I will need him to lead my way - by the light and his Might I will never falter in my days. Lord knows, I need Him to help me always.

Yesterday I had a test. And today is another. But I will make it. Amen.

Thank You For Reminding Me Why

You remind me of the mistake I keep repeating. The cycle of has been's that would have been had we kept meeting. The sly lines and deep voice that left me heavily breathing. The suspect grin and spontaneous sins that at once made things interesting. Who know you were so much of my love deja vu that I should have known the ending before we ever had a beginning.
This is cause for a redo. Rewind the clock, set me back in my spot and let life continue...sans meeting you.Minus meeting the him and the him before too. And you can keep the like that are bound to ensue - those simply passing the time by passing through. My soul is long overdue for something real and renewed, and I realize now I would rather be empty than lifelessly filled with all of your untruths. Anyone who reincarnates my past mishaps I want nothing to do.
But I suppose Im not empty after all. My dignity and self-worth stand mountains tall. Above you and our make belief infatuation...love is was not, thats not mistaking. I am more than the labels you put before my name. I should always be first and foremost me. And I'm full of myself so please, let me be. Let me feast on this experience and gain some relief that I am once again smarter than the last mofo who met me. I simply continue to live and thrive and most of all survive...thank you for reminding me of why.

They may hear us

Shh, they may hear us. Whispering, though its so loud in this supreme quiet it is deafening. Speaking of things that are, but shouldn't be; reality as it is, as we see. A revolution in its infancy - a war of words against the tyranny of silence. This is slow coming. Never mind us, yet, we are simply conversing - getting the word out about the obvious but unnoticed things.
The serial killer aimlessly roaming, cloaked in a falice and vaginal clothing. Walking with legs of ignorance and steadily growing; killing and killing with all of us knowing. An acronym of an assumed death sentence with letters otherwise...A.I.D.S might as well spell lies. Not taking heed or taking aim is unjustly wasting time. but,
Shhh, they may hear we. Speaking in a back alley to a desperate mother of three. She wants to abort her growth, but do so dangerously. Little does she know of the education to prevent such seeds, under negligent governments neglecting, to protect herself and future offspring. She listens intently to the hope we are hissing...no one has ever given her the facts about this Pill we speak. She is beyond intrigued. A sheath for his weapon before entering? She admits shes never seen such a thing; men with knowledge never share anything worth sharing.
Shhh,they may hear me. Speaking boldly about chance and opportunity. Giving light to the dark and hopeless beings...the grass is greener when you believe in actually seeing. Books, knowledge and power are there if you are given the drive to begin seeking. The world is in the palm of your hand little one, don't be shy to take it. And run. Because others are out there who want to keep you from ever taking action. Want to keep you tied to the ground; better yet, bury you beneath it. Want your body and soul to wither having forever been barren.
This is a verbal revolution for the people. Those who are undereducated, unknowing and separate and unequal. Theres no need to stand in the outfields. Silence is the best promoter of silence...so speak. Let your voice be heard; never shun at the sound of your own audacity to ask, seek, find the means to become a better being. Never settle for less than inhumanity ceasing; whats mines is yours and yours for the keeping. Let them hear you preaching that you have the right to touch any light you are reaching. Stars are closer than they seem, especially when the sky begins so dark.

Just a little thought...

Irony is a paradox in which we all play. We mind fuck ourselves to keep a little sane. To at least try to maintain...to at least decipher the thoughts going on in our brain. Least I have to truly explain, this world is crazy. You think your a player one minute and the next your on the wrong team not even playing. Getting tossed an evolving situation with no words to say anything. With no breath to keep defending. With no heart left to keep mending.
How ironic - weren't we all at one point winning? When did the referee of life come in to confuse the game; to make matters more insane; to drown any drain we have left to filter the good from the bad? How can I tell what I should and should not have? What to keep persuing and what to finally leave in the past? I for one hope this irony doesnt last. Ironically enough, I know it always will. I'll never have all the answers, I suppose thats part of lifes thrill. I'll always be Alice with my bottle and my pill; take a sip here, pop a tab there. Too big, too small; Irony, Im to the point where I dont care. Your Wonderland of 'what if's' and 'maybe I can' have me spinning - unraveling my sanity down a hole never ending. Ironically enough, I know this is just the beginning; Im too young to simply have this as my ending. I'll faithfully follow this mysterious white rabbit hoping my future is bright enough to light the dark tunnel Im entering, because I may be here awhile. Wondering and wandering, walking miles and miles. Solo on this trip down lifes nile. And unaided by a map or a crazy mofo hatter. Still without help, I'll make it - I suppose how doesn't matter. I couldnt begin to figure it out if i wanted to. And I do but I dont. Im simply the driver and passenger, along for the ride, in the ride of my life. And truly, isn't that ironic; don't ya think?

Let me stop laughing long enough to write this...

Thank you; thank you; thank you - your far to kind. Givin me a shout out in the mirror *bust out a Halle Berry*- dont press stop, nah nigga lets rewind. The last thing I would post is my insecurity? The first step in confidence starts with C, so where exactly is your point E? You lost me...seriously. Apparently when you were lying and being civil with she, u never truly saw me...cuz I dont play games, I play for keeps. Well, when its worth keeping - I peeped your game, turns out afterall you werent worth peeping. I never come second, in anything I do...first born, first place, first to cum, first to spot your shit a mile away. And land hoe captin - your shit is LAME. I told you what you were gonna do before you even had the thought to do it; your a puppet in this life, I thought you knew this? Surprise, and here you are thinking you outgrew it. What else you got to throw with? Ive been 3000 miles away, on the coast where the sun forever plays, whats new in this situation that I didnt already say? oh that you love me and want me to play wife one day. Ha ha, no way. Like I said, I am ALL about mine. 24/7 365...theres no room for you and your trival ny redevous. Running into ex's in LITERALLY the biggest city in the world...please, houdini, how do you magically manage that? She knows your puppet strings as well as I; hustle, hustle, hustle, barely get by, write a word here write a word there, sigh. REPEAT. Something told me you werent a man about yours, but silly me, did I listen. That body for days had me distracted from this west coast distance. Your lulleyby's cuddled me at night when I really should have just had someone complete by my side. But lovey your right, I did wake up. That sun and shine hit my face so abrupt...and wow I see the light. Your not worth the fight. I look in the mirror, worried your maddness may have caused me to loose sight. Nah, dont fret my pet, Im still bomb as ever. Dont love me, save that for heather...or sarah, or whoever the fuck comes next. Maybe they wont will hear your game and wont see you lame, and so wont object. I hope for your sake that happens. Until then, go about your life and I will mos def go about mine. Keep hatin from where the sun dont shine. I have worlds to conquer. You may keep gaming, cuz well, lovely you have the time.

Touche and Ta Ta

In the blink of an eye forever was decapitated. It’s head on the floor, its loveline too heavily jaded. Stumbling into the street, confused by dreams constintly evaded. Wooda coulda shoulda’s nicknamed from consistantly being complacent. Dealing with ‘this’ and your femme obession has me exasperated. She win? That can be highly debated; I gave you up. A drug habit, I got my fix, and now my high is up. Ink and lines do me so much better you and tired lies. A month and some change but any longer would have been wasted time. You couldnt wait to get played – looks like you just made it. I realeased you, didnt I? Shes already on your page; Im sure glanced across your mind. Thats fine. I gave you up. Theres little room in my life for a manic dreamer. Come back down friend and get your shit together. Ive already seen you falter…lil boy dont think I dont know you called her. You miss her. And are there any leftovers? That must be you. Your the creme de la creme of the bottom barrel busters too; desperate, needy and wanting more than whats due to you. Thats why I gave you up. Thanks for my out by the way,that part was sort of tough. This is hard and This is tough… Commence with your life and slumming with whats rough; whats weathered and tethered and used up, ya know, from way too much ‘love’. Gem my ass; more more like a diamond in the dump. Coincidence you live so close? Nope, I think not. Knowing you, your gonna come back with lines and aquareal attacks – I know you. And thats koo. But know this…I’ll always be the one who played you at your game boo