Column: A Cyber Savvy Singles Do[n't] Guide to Online Dating: Part 1

In my on-going quest for the right 'he' to occupy my right now , I have ventured into the world of online dating. Like real dating , one needs to have confidence, open-mindedness and traditionally a bit of a flirt game. Typically my pick-up line goes something like "Hi, my name is Christine, and I just randomly came across your page. You seem really interesting and I would like to learn more about you...". Yes, I have a pick-up line. Its not sexy, not overly flirtatious but it has an air of intrigue and spontaneity, like 'you seem so great I simply had to write you', while still mellow and not too anxious. And above all, its genuine...I find people through a search engine so saying I 'randomly came across your page' is pretty damn accurate. Yes, you can read into all of that from a 2-line byline... But moving past those revelations, I usually go on to cite and highlight what we may have in common from their description of themselves and end with inviting them to read about me. In my virtual travels of what equates a tipsy free-fall singles bar on any night of the week, I have come across the most bizarre, forward and out of control introductory messages never to be uttered aloud, yet somehow end up in my inbox. After the initial shock and sometimes, blushes, I end up doing one of two things: hitting delete, or hitting delete and then block (the latter, of course, depends on the afore mentioned blushing factor). Here's how to not end up in your computer love's out bin.
DO: Start with your name
I cant tell you how many times I have read an entire online propagandist auto-bio, read the trite message and left my computer like, 'what was his name?'. This especially sucks if I read or find something about the person that I like and really do want to start a conversation - I'm held back by a speed bump of not even knowing how to address you. Think of your message as an actual in-person introduction...give me details and fundamentals.
DO: Mention or address something you two may have in common
As my own profile states, flattering me and yourself with 'were both hot' sentiments will get you no where and I might even toss in an eye-roll just to set the mood. Something genuine is appreciated, like you have similar interests in music, movies or travel. People who are truly looking for 'someone' want to know off the bat how much effort they may have to put into this 'relationship' or if serendipity has brought you to each others attention.
DONT: Make a profile that lacks substance, information and insight into your life
Im not suggesting you write your memoir, but too often people create online profiles that dont have any information at all. The standard site questions, such as age, gender, and location do not count toward your profile details. Keep in mind that this is the only way people will get to know about you until further contact. And if you are the pursuer, then you want a bio that sells all your qualities, not stumbles on your faults and negativities. Be honest, maybe even witty and interesting. Remember you want them to like you not loathe they ever came onto your profile.
DO: Approach a potential dating situation as if you were actually in person
Though online dating is a great venue for the overly shy and reserved, it is also a prime opportunity for the perverse and explicit. You wouldn't approach someone and remark, "Cant wait to meet up and kiss those lips..." would you? So dont do it here. Find the balance between flirty and respectful - be intriguing, alluring, yet leave your reader curious to find out more about you. And just like you would in person, be aware of personal space. DON'T inundate someone's inbox. One message is enough before you start IMing them, poking their profile or even searching out their name on other social networks. It's weird, it's uninvited and I can almost guarantee a "hell no" is your future. State your case, let your interest be known, and leave the cheesy douche bag lines and awkward behavior for the actual bar, where the alcohol content can drown out your lameness.
DO: Publish a realistic and accurate picture of yourself now...
and not who you were 5 years ago, or who you want to be in 10 years. A full face and body picture is always preferred. 'Nuf said.
DONT: Be personally offended or hurt by someone's digital denial
Yes, they may be cute and their profile reads that you two have so many things in common that you've lost track AND they too have a cat named Mandu, but sometimes, they just arent that into you. They dont feel the same vibe your putting out over the web, their schedule isnt open to meeting right now or they simple arent interested - dont let that discourage you from continuing to date online and in person. And though they are rejecting your interest, they arent rejecting you per se...remember they dont really even know you. Ironic since if they got to know you the sparks may fly, but be that as it may, in actual life and behind a key board sometimes people just arent feeling each other and thats totally ok. Rejection is apart of the dating game - Acceptance is the goal so keep looking!
DO: Treat the first meeting as just that...a first meeting
In the online dating world, the substantial difference between actual dating and digital dating is, of course, the lack of physical contact. Whereas in a bar or club you can feel the chemistry sizzle (or fizzle) you cant online. So if and when you meet a perspective date, the first time around should be like an in-person introduction. Maybe even a repeat of a few things you two discussed in your emails and mid-day IM's to reiterate the connection that you think is there or to see if is was a just a match.com mirage. Either way, pick a place central to both of you; good lighting and an agreeable atmosphere (as far as music, clubs, lounges or dinner) and come simply ready to mingle, talk and maybe finally that special someone.

Portifino Train of Thought

I want to be the dream I see everyone else living
but Im too scared to get in it
Too afraid of a raid on my emotions limits
too afraid of rejection and its ugly hindrance
on my soul
too blind by a future with uninhibited ambitions
I cant control
Yes, Im self aware and though it isnt a bad beginning
it may be the beginning to a never ending self inflicted gimick
'Whats behind door #1?' - I dont know so I dont want to enter it
Im laughing at me and everyone else is so sure of my possibilities?
But they just dont get it
How can I delve into a sea of unsure realities?
'Live your dream' but whos to catch me if I dont land on my feet?
'Life's a bitch' in the same breath they speak - shit...your tellin me! Preach!
Of uncertain concerns and meandering earns - of a place and a space where no one tells me where to turn
How am I to know? There are so many roads to paradise, supposedly, but which way did you go
How did you make your happiness and what made you stop on this road
Trust, I see you
You take life by the wheel and with or without gas your goin all around the world
To places and faces and unfamiliar spaces where people dont know your name and could care less about you fame, supposedly, but to you its all the same
Your cool with this game
Life
And your winning in this level
Here
And your living it to the fullest
Now
My friend- I'd say your living the dream.
But right now...Im just trying to get in it...
Im on a portifino train and next stop is tomorrow
I'll see if I like it when I get there - who knows
I suppose I can keep going until I ride my way through to the otherside
where rainbows glow and my dreams vs realities collide
where happiness is what I make it not just what it seems
where I really am what everyone makes me out to be
C to the utmost and nothing less than supreme
These are just some thoughts I conceive
Wanderlust yearning from my core being
...I should probably stop pretending
Hazed vision of a future stop I think Im seeing
Could it be...maybe...
Always wanderlust yearning from my core being
I want to be the dream I see everyone living
Really, though, I should stop pretending.

And God Created Woman

On the 6th day
He thought he was through
Created the light sun stars and the heavens too
Created the earth and the sea's, creatures to live and breath
All the in between that crawl walk and flew
And on the 6th day He Created you
In his image he bore you, you grew
Called you Man and told all living things to honor you
He saw you roam- a king with a crown yet lone to carry his soul through
And God created woman in a slumber he succumbed you to.

From the bones that protect your heart, he knew
this is your equal,  your other half to pledge your love unto
From the breath you drew, he knew
she would help you breathe life and happiness into all that you do
From the skin your in, he knew
She would shield you from the cold and comfort you too
And God created woman.

From perfection into motion 

With life nestled in her burrows and embrace within her grasp

She is the end and He is her all, at last

Apples and sin; through Eden thick and forbidden whims

They were always made to reign...over land, life and love
And that love they both devised intensified
through timeless ages and boundless divides
Until there was you and I, here and now, side by side

Thank God He created woman.

Column: Why the American Mindset of Design should make room for Asian Innovation

Classic American design is often proudly unmistakable; though cleverly composed and sometimes, reminiscent. We have collected, revolutionized, and surely Americanized worldly ideas and stamped them with our ingenuity and innovative seal of approval. Though we don't always get it right we strive for the best in everything from automobiles to architecture. Our usual M.O to design: big, bigger and biggest.
Escalades, mansions, 50" LCD televisions...even your venti morning coffee - all enormously huge and quintessentially American. Excess. Its a cultural thing, not only limited to design, but ever so encompassing of our ideology and sense of self; it speaks to our inherent mindset that happiness can and is measured...literally. So it's natural to think that, during a recession and a theme of less is more and 'cutting back' echoed internationally, that this blueprint to success would, well, perhaps not be so successful. Insert Asian innovation.
Whether it be from Japan, China or anything in between, Asian engineering and imagination of designs endless possibilities and overlooked abilities have naturally flourished in times such as these. Their ideas are conceived outside the box and instead of vying only for substantial, they instead aim sustainable as well, and more so it seems, size. In a polar culture and point of view from our own, Asian ideology often, if not always, veers for small, rather than seismic. To fit within conformity while still out thinking it. To make space and structure where others would swear there is none.
Modern times have rendered this highly necessary: China, for example, is the worlds most populated county with a million people and then some. The daily realization for a need for space has afforded the Chinese to not only recreate a modern and highly effective new China, but to branch out and reach others....all the way to the West in countless cases. While cities like Los Angeles struggles with daunting traffic and time-wrenching freeways, China has come to the aid of their people, in cities where the traffic of a half-a-million drivers can surely seem paralysing. Introducing the 3D Fast Bus, from the Chinese Shenzhen Hashi Future Parking Company. It has all the components of a triumphant invention suited for the masses, equipped to be effective and slated for a nod to an ingenious imagination. Perhaps its only qualm may lie, not with the bus itself, but with drivers unsuited to glide along with a high-speed Disneyland-esque tram above them. And really, bad drivers seem to be an issue none of us have yet to solve.
If driving seems like too much of a hassle, paddle over to Japan, where anyone can live the high life under a modest roof. With less and less space available for living, Japanese architects have come to commercialize the concept of ultra small homes, or entire homes equivalent to a 2 bed apartment or smaller. Though off the cuff, this seems unbearable, and certainly anything but luxurious, these undersized abodes encompass glamour, functionality and most importantly, living ability. Yasuhiro Yamashita, a lead architect from Tokyo, is among the many who make these houses, homes...while subsequently reimagining the status quo of design, and all the while creating art of minuscule, yet unimaginable proportions.
Perhaps we could take a subtle cue...I mean, were all in a recession, right?

Column: Ring My Bell - The Scientific Synopsis of the Real World Phenomenon knows as the Booty Call

I ran across an article today, during my hourly news updates at work, which caught me by surprise and titillated my interest. And memory. An article that I can proudly say was on a reputable news site, msnbc.com, but that could have easily been posted on theonion.com as a faux find or even mixed in with tmz's sultry nonsense. Yet, it is based on actual scientific research, from experts in the subject: college students, who else?! The nature vs. nurture ideas about the infamous 'booty call' were up for debate at the University of West Florida, in which psychologist Peter Jonason (clever name in such a study) led a team in researching the late-night invites. Were they strictly sexual in nature, or was there some sort of intimacy inherently involved? And where on the spectrum of human relationships do booty calls lie, with monogamy at one end absolute sexual prowling on the other. I would agree with most of the initial findings of this less-than-diligent online surveys of merely 289 relationship-pendulum students: requests are made by calling or text, it is a convenient hybrid of long-term and one-night stand relationships yet is purely on the side seeking sexual pleasure. As well, it is brief, to the point and steers away from lingering emotion. Sounds about right - but any Hollywood movie could have told you that. In fact, Netflix Booty Call and report back your findings asap. And in particular, one wouldn't need to limit their consulting to college students: booty calls and random acts of sexual satisfaction maintain a scared place within most sexually active people, either currently or from their past. Take a moment and recall Psychology 101: Freud details the animalistic tendencies innate to human existence and relationships. However, I would be interested to know, instead, how the nature of booty calls has changed over time; hopefully evolving, but nonetheless steadfast in getting the craving quenched. Have men and women grown seedier and more desperate? Or have we past a long ago era where men would at least pretend to get to know you, out of respect and decency, before the forthcoming wham-bam? I would venture to say that the only thing that surprised me about the supposed research into this complex, yet sex-savvy field, would be it's position in relation to the other extremes: monogamy and one-night stands. According to Jonason, while all aspects incorporate sex, one-night stands typically have the least amount of sex acts as opposed to booty calls - the idea being that booty calls have consistency and trial-&-error on their side, much like a relationship. On the other hand, one-night stands tend to be more emotional; holding hands, kissing and cuddling, probably because the expectation of impending intimacy allows for a heightened acceptance of outward affection. Lets face it - your only going to be together for a few hours anyway, so the speed of getting to know each other and feeling comfortable makes sense. Then again, repeatedly seeing someone for the utmost of intimate acts, sex, should always abide by that same logic, right? Perhaps, but in reality and science, the fact is that what breaks up most consensual booty calls is the expectation for more; more emotion, time, and heart. In the meantime and between time, before tonight's possible tripe onto the nearest bed, couch or kitchen floor, scientists have decided to invest more "longitudinal work" for the horizontal mambo, and I personally, couldn't be more thrilled with the idea. The only question remains: do they need any extra research done?

Stuck on Solo

So many months and some change, here I remain stuck on solo. Not always alone though, it sometimes feels that way. I must say I've been in neutral gear for some time, not rushing mines just avoiding grime, thinking through my boxed wine, it was just time for me to unwind. Reassess myself and my love life's grind... into the ground. I look around and all I see is..me. Hustle, hustle, rarely pause to breath, let alone allow another emotion to tie down my ease. Doing me in all facades and degrees, albeit soulfully fulfilling, my left hand still lingers free and I think I may finally want someone whos willing... to hold it. With his hands join my future and help me mold it. Be my everything when nothing is enough. Never coddling me too much - see, he knows I like it rough. Console my soul with his relentless heart- he is and always will be a great man, with me right by his side as his number 1 fan. Believe in me when Im my biggest hater -push me toward 'greatness' and I'll escort you to 'greater'.  Collect my tears when the grind is too much, dust off my shoulders, tell me to fuck the small stuff and all the while hold my heart in his cuff. He is solely meant for me and no one else; Lord knows I've never been one to share. Still, he cares like I care. Giving of himself when there is little left to spare; he is epic and boundless in all that he desires and as exhausting as this may be when I need anything, he is my supplier. Kisses and hugs, embraces and love...Im waiting for him with my breath held, bottled up. He is sure to leave me breathless. He who is him is unknown at this minute, but being stuck on solo, perhaps I should make room in my present for him it it.

Column: Another Dream Deferred...& A Mili-an Just like It

A 10-month marriage has come to an end with the somewhat predicted demise between 32-year old mega-producer/singer/song writer The Dream (a.k.a Terius Nash) and singer/actress Christina Milian.
Famous for her younger days as a Disney star and her pop career dippin it low from a.m to p.m, Christina and The Dream, Mr. Yeah if you will, met and quickly fell in 'love', eloping in Las Vegas on September 4th 2009. The two were already expecting their 1st child by then. Shocker. In Violet, who is almost 6 months old and is beautiful "with a definite personality" according to Dream; though she is the 1st for Christina, it is The Dreams 4th child. Yes, 4th - hes has 3 little-dreams from his previous marriage with R&B crooner Nivea (from Dont Mess With My Man fame).
While Im not surprised, I am a tad disheartened by the breakup. Whenever discussing her future with Dream, Christina frequently gushed of their loving life and her role in music and as Mrs. Nash: "I enjoy being happy every day, and hopefully you can hear my happiness in my music. Life is beautiful". Yet here they are separating, apparently since late 2009, even though it wasn't disclosed to the public then to protect their impending daugther (who was born in Feb 2010). Hmmm.
I suppose the signs toward Dooms-ville were all too obvious; frequent trips away, rare coupled sightings, groupies all around ATL. It is all too apparent from a very recent interview The Dream gave to Essence, in which his caviler attitude toward Christina (still his 'wife' as of this interviews date) and his young newborn resonate the polar opposite of the man we swoon to onstage. One would think a supposed veteran father of 3 children would be quite 'the dream' partner to raise a child with, however, it looks like Christina may have simply been dreaming. When asked about his involvement with his new daugther, Mr. Nash bluntly responded,

I don't [get involved] because my "helping out" turns into expectations. I'll get Violet on a late night maybe one or two times, but after that, no. If Christina's tired, call the nanny, call Violet's granny. We got people.

What? You have people? So, I can only assume Dream assumes that because he is an active musician that excludes him from being an active father? He should probably expect to be sterile after a comment like that. The interview proceeds with questions regarding the then-alleged rumors surrounding he and wife Christina with reports they were (gasp) separating:

Whoever thought that blogs would dictate our conversations, [the writers] must be in their bedroom saying "Look what I can do." It's actually sad to have to entertain it. The rumors are not true and it really boils my blood. Christina and I are cool. People keep asking, "Why haven't we seen you guys out together?" I'm working, that's why you haven't seen us. She's at work too in Los Angeles. The women in the pictures are actually legitimate friends of mine. The photo with me in the car with another woman, she's a good friend who's at my house all the time. It's sad, because [the blogs] have humiliated her. She feels bad, I feel bad and you don't know what that [judgement] does to that person. Who takes responsibility for that? I understand freedom of speech but if I made my living spreading rumors about people, my family wouldnt claim me.

Ok so, let me make sure I have this straight: just 2 weeks ago, you and Christina were cool, yet there are pictures of you and your assistant hamming it up in the Caribbean, doin who-knows-what while the cameras flash to capture the infidelious event.Coincidental timing? Nah. Spiteful. Yep. Typical cheater? Yep. Ah, what a nightmare.
I have to ask though, depite how balse he seems about the situation and his public statement of his marriage simply being "unsuccessful", has it occured to Dream that maybe, just maybe, if he didnt flaunt around with other women he might be a successful somewhere other than the music charts? Somewhere like with his family; wife, kids...the whole deal. Talking about family not claiming you! And you lie! Ugh.

In the meantime, we all know how the story goes: she may or may not leave him, he most certainly will sleep his way past her, theres an innocent child he can now add to his payroll rooster to support, another ex-wife to maintain and another statistic to add, multiply and divide by.

When will people learn...